My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
