i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Randomize
