i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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