I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Randomize
