some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I deserve this hangover.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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