Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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