Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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