yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
