you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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