Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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