I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
