I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
