So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Randomize
