You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
