i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
false alarm, still single
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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