when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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