Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
