Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
