We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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