It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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