She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
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