I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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