just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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