She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
