i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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