I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
