I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
