when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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