Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
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