Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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