she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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