I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
