I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
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