NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
