My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Randomize
