My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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