my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
