I wish I could punch you in the face.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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