Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
