hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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