A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
