Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
