First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
