I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Randomize
