Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
