the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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