My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
