I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
