Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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