I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
